ElectionsVote

“The best reason I can think of for not running for president of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.” — Adlai Stevenson

(I stumbled upon this little ditty I wrote on the 2008 presidential primaries. Interesting in how the country has changed in 8 short years…)

Issues — gesundheit — in a presidential race are reserved for pundits and intelligentsia. Most of us bozos elect the Leader of the Free World based on his looks or the fact that he is the complete opposite of the previous and much disappointing commander-in-chief.

Kennedy started this. He was good looking, assured, suave. During the fabled Kennedy-Nixon debate of 1960, those who heard the broadcast on the radio thought that Tricky Dickmeister won. Those who watched the debate on TV and saw the swarthy Republican, which is frequently a redundancy, thought JFK the victor. That Nixon was sweating like a whore in church or that he looked like Evil Gorilla Commander No. 3 from “Planet of the Apes” didn’t help, either.

Nixon was later elected because he wasn’t Hubert Humphrey. First, the electorate, being somewhat dumb, thought Hubert Humphrey was actually Herbert Hoover and didn’t want to suffer through another Great Depression. Secondly, who wants someone named Herbie knowing the missile code launch sequence that starts World War III? Excuse me. You’re going to let Herbie push the button? I don’t think so.

The third — and most important — thing wrong with Hubert Hoover, or Herbert Humphrey, or whomever the guy was who ran against Nixon was that he had limp, sucky hair.

The polite description of HHH was that he looked like a rumpled aging assistant manager of a soda fountain. In Canada. Worse. It was the comb-over. You know what else was wrong with Hubert Humphrey? Subliminally for us, his name was too close to Humpty Dumpty.

I'm not a fan of Obama's hair. Barrack looks like Geek #4 in "Revenge of the Nerds." I can't vote for a guy who looks like he's still vice-president of the Audio Visual Club in high school and vice-captain of the cross country team.

Hillary?

She sports that well-lacquered Mrs. George Jetson cartoon do. It's part Doris Day, part June Cleaver and with her husband, Bill, who wants to hear the commander-in-chief say: "Honey. I'm worried about the beaver."

There were of bad hairdos in this 2008 election.

With the wave and big Hollywood teeth, Sen. John Edwards looks like the 412th cousin to the Kennedys with that over-shampooed feral animal that sleeps on his head.

McCain?

He looks like John Adams, after mice got after his wig, but he's not wearing a wig. McCain, if elected, would be our first albino president. He looks like one of the elders in a science fiction movie that has been living underground after the 14th Nuclear World War. If I were his handlers, I'd put one an anonymous note in the suggestion box to go buy a one-size-fits-all Burth Reynolds toupee.

If McCain gets Mitt Romney to be his veep, we'll get someone a heartbeat away from the presidency with the generic school superintendent helmet haircut. The guy looks like he's auditioning for "Grease III."

Whomever gets elected, it's a changing world and I think we need to present a new image, something sort of 10th-century psycho conqueror, long, straight black hair, cape with shoulder pads, maybe throw in one of those pointy Genghis Khan mustaches, unless, of course, it's Hilly. Then we'd have to go with the thigh-high leather boots and bustiere.

The rest of the world might appreciate us more if they thought we were a wee bit nuts.

Insert your own punchline to go with the candidate.

(SCV author John Boston also writes The Time Ranger & SCV History for your SCV Beacon. He’s has earned more than 100 major awards for writing, including being named, several times, America’s best humor, and, best serious columnist. Don’t forget to check out his national humor, entertainment & swashbuckling commentary website, America’s Humorist — http://www.johnbostonchronicles.com/)

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